All Things Linguistic

If this doesn’t make you cringe at least a dozen times while reading it, you’re probably a terrible person. A classic piece of shock satire by Douglas R. Hofstadter: go read the whole thing. Excerpt:

Another of Niss Moses’ shrill objections is to the age-old differentiation of whites from blacks by the third-person pronouns “whe” and “ble.” Ble promotes an absurd notion: that what we really need in English is a single pronoun covering both races. Numerous suggestions have been made, such as “pe,” “tey,” and others, These are all repugnant to the nature of the English language, as the average white in the street will testify, even if whe has no linguistic training whatsoever. Then there are advocates of usages such as “whe or ble,” “whis or bler,” and so forth. This makes for monstrosities such as the sentence “When the next President takes office, whe or ble will have to choose whis or bler cabinet with great care, for whe or ble would not want to offend any minorities.” Contrast this with the spare elegance of the normal way of putting it, and there is no question which way we ought to speak. There are, of course, some yapping black libbers who advocate writing “bl/whe” everywhere, which, aside from looking terrible, has no reasonable pronunciation. Shall we say “blooey” all the time when we simply mean “whe”? Who wants to sound like a white with a chronic sneeze?

One of the more hilarious suggestions made by the squawkers for this point of view is to abandon the natural distinction along racial lines, and to replace it with a highly unnatural one along sexual lines. One such suggestion-emanating, no doubt, from the mind of a madwhite-would have us say “he” for male whites (and blacks) and “she” for female whites (and blacks). Can you imagine the outrage with which sensible folk of either sex would greet this “modest proposal”?

Another suggestion is that the plural pronoun “they” be used in place of the inclusive “whe.” This would turn the charming proverb “Whe who laughs last, laughs best” into the bizarre concoction “They who laughs last, laughs best.” As if anyone in whis right mind could have thought that the original proverb applied only to the white race! No, we don’t need a new pronoun to “liberate” our minds. That’s the lazy white’s way of solving the pseudoproblem of racism. In any case, it’s ungrammatical. The pronoun “they” is a plural pronoun, and it grates on the civilized ear to hear it used to denote only one person. Such a usage, if adopted, would merely promote illiteracy and accelerate the already scandalously rapid nosedive of the average intelligence level in our society.